smells like content

2009-08-11T16:49:00.002-04:00

Today is my one year anniversary with Bryan. We're getting massages tonight and taking it easy. I am in love and I am happy.

2009-07-29T17:55:00.000-04:00

www.molleaf.tumblr.com

eh, why not?

2009-07-09T18:32:00.001-04:00

Dropped my summer class. Let's have fun!

2009-07-08T10:45:00.001-04:00

Blah, blah, blah

2009-06-15T17:09:00.003-04:00

Put your faith in me, my friends, that one day I'll find a way to give all the things that you've given to me back. Well, put your foot down, my brother. That's no way to live; putting the needs of others ahead of yours. You deserve more than nothing. It's the little things that we do that mean anything. Put your hands on me, my love, while the world wakes up early and wastes the day working for money they don't need to buy things they don't need. We'll sleep in. We'll do it again. It's the little things that we do that mean anything.
Send "Put Your Hands On Me, My Love" Ringtone to your Cell

2009-06-05T17:42:00.002-04:00

Feeling pretty tired because of the weather, but also feeling pretty happy. I'm learning to be patient with everything I've got going on. School and work are surprisingly alright. Waiting for two packages to come. One with clothes, one with a 1TB internal hard drive. Have a kinda lengthy to-do list...but, eh.

2009-05-26T16:46:00.002-04:00

Have a terrible cold. Room is a shit storm that makes me stressed out, but I have no motivation to clean anything up. Just spent a couple hours watching Four Weddings and a Funeral while taking detailed notes on the brain. Psych tonight. Ultimate dread. Can I move yet?

2009-05-18T09:27:00.000-04:00

2009-05-13T18:12:00.000-04:00

Sittin' on my shoulder.

2009-05-04T01:26:00.001-04:00

presently. my sleeping beauty next to me. just put his arm across my laptop. bedtime for me, too. love.

2009-04-28T18:32:00.002-04:00

Warmth really makes a difference. Nothing like driving on winding back roads with the windows down. The sun setting the trees on fire.

2009-04-20T13:10:00.003-04:00

Good weekend, great weather. I like riding my bike a lot. Vegan Treats, West Philly Clark Park festival, Balderdash, New Harmony Buffet, drinking 33 oz. of green tea and puking all of it up on the sidewalk. Warmer weather helps everything. I got home from work a little while ago. Job is going great. I really like it a lot. I'm skipping class today...gonna eat my vegan treats and maybe watch a movie or something.

2009-04-14T12:28:00.002-04:00

Inability to move in September. Inability to get anything done. Inability to feel happy. I'm unable. I'm going to blame it on the weather.

2009-04-08T17:11:00.001-04:00

With our sincere gaze we survey these ruins as if the old monster lay crushed forever beneath the rubble. We pretend to take up home again as the image recedes into the past, as if we were cured once and for all of the scourge of the camps. We pretend it all happened only once, at a given time and place. We turn a blind eye to what surrounds us and a deaf ear to humanity's never-ending cry.

-Night and Fog, 1955

2009-03-31T21:37:00.000-04:00

I'd like to write a few letters. If you'd like one, comment with your address?

2009-03-24T21:29:00.002-04:00

I feel so tired. So run down. Old college try.

2009-03-20T19:20:00.001-04:00

I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.

2009-03-18T22:13:00.001-04:00

Also:

2009-03-16T15:24:00.001-04:00

Listen, everything I love I will devour
and bury the bones down in the snow.
Put me in a beat up El Camino.
Just let me go, just let me go.

2009-03-16T15:19:00.002-04:00

Money hungry lately. This new mentality makes me feel sick and sad. I just keep thinking about the family, the white picket fence, the 6-figure salary...who cares? Been thinking about not pursuing an education degree at all. Why be a humble educator when I could be making MONEY, MONEY, MONEY! It just makes me sad, sad, sad. I know I'll get out of this phase. I know I'll do the right thing. But I am already thinking about saving for my fucking retirement! Where do I get off? We may grow up and get lost in it all.

2009-03-10T08:21:00.001-04:00

Went through a box of old notes and letters the other night. Weird reading through them. Letters from people I'll surely never talk to again, people I'll surely never see again, people I'll surely never love again. And you just let it all go. I didn't recycle them. They aren't going to come back again. I'll internalize them; sit in a landfill. Or I'll just forget about it all together; burn up in an incinerator. It's hard letting things go, but you do. You do and you open up new chapters in your life and you just have to keep moving on. And that's that.

2009-03-09T13:35:00.003-04:00

At RV when I don't have to be for, what, the fourth time? God fucking damnit. I thought I had my midterm today for Masculinity in Lit. (thinking the snow day pushed it to this Monday), but we are actually having it the Monday we get back from Spring Break. I really am out of my mind. Rather than driving home right away I'm going to hang out in the library and plan some stuff out. Going to Philly after this to hang out and watch Heroes with everyone. Work tomorrow at 9am. PNC is going great so far. I really like the people in the branch I am training at. Actually kinda wish I got hired at the Walter Foran branch instead of the 202 one. I mean, I don't know how the 202 branch is going to work and how the people are going to be. I'm sure everyone is nice...I've just gotten used to the branch I'm training at. Everyone is real friendly and funny. Regardless, everything is going smoothly. I'm at the point where I am doing transactions for customers. It's a nice setting. A good job.

2009-03-03T09:41:00.001-05:00

Sitting in the RV library right now. I got here too many hours early because I thought I had English today. Nope. Feeling lonely, but enjoying the quiet. Bryan came back with me from Philly Sunday night and he skipped work Monday, so we both got to enjoy the snow day. We went to Auto Zone to get a radiator hose (or something) for his car and then made french toast for ourselves, Pat, and Linda. Hung out, played video games, watched TV and movies. I got rid of lots of clothes that I don't wear anymore...desperately trying to free up space for Lindsay's things. It will be cramped, but we can do it. I think she is officially moving in today or tomorrow. We still have lots of work to do regarding organization and overall cleaning (the dust!). I have Sociology in a little less than an hour. Sitting and drinking chai tea now. Missing Bryan. Missing summer still. Missing lots of things. Missing friends. Spring is around the corner. I can't wait for it. I want it to be so warm that I can drive at night with the windows down. Driving down the shore. Feeling young and alive and whole and happy. I'm starting at PNC today. Training at the Walter Foran Blvd. branch for about a week, then going to work at the one I was hired at. I guess I'll be learning the basics and taking online modules. I have to pass lots of tests, I think. A lot of it is self-taught. Needless to say, I'm really nervous and afraid I'll fuck this up and be unemployed again. I need to save as much money as humanly possible. I need to be ready to go in September, October, whenever. But I'm trying not to sweat it so much. I'm trying to keep my cool and be sociable and learn everything as quickly and efficiently as I can. Hopefully, if all goes well, they can transfer me to a branch in Philadelphia. We'll see.

2009-02-25T22:16:00.000-05:00

Fake album cover along the lines of Lindsay's. Okay...now it is time to write my paper.

2009-02-25T21:40:00.001-05:00

Quit Staples today. She asked for notice and I said I'd finish out the week (1 more day, Saturday). But, for the first time, I think I am going to totally shaft my employer. No real reason why; they've treated me well. I am just not going to show up Saturday. Instead I'm going to spend the whole weekend in Philadelphia and feel happy and loved and okay. Now, I have to write a 5 page paper. I feel good right now, for being a total dick and all.

2009-02-24T18:44:00.002-05:00

I've decided on the one year in Philly plan. I'm going to have to move there in September or October, though, because if I move in December it won't be a full year before I can apply for the Spring semester. I don't want to work for a year and a half. So, I guess I'll have to get an apartment and pay the rent for a couple months before I physically move in. It's got to be done. Hopefully Marlie, Lindsay, and anyone else can jump on board, too. I know Marlie's lease is up in October. Not sure if Lindsay will have the money. Not sure if I will have the money. Simone applied to UArts and Temple. I told her about my plan and she said it sounds good, but it all depends if she gets into a Philly school (and if she can afford it, too). I'm really set on this. I have to go to my night class now. I started a Twitter account. I don't know why. www.twitter.com/m0llie. I guess that's that. I have so much shit to do this week. I have to really clean my out so Lindsay can move in. So much laundry to do with a broken washer. Money to earn. Homework to do. Training at PNC all day Friday. I still need to get my finger prints done in Princeton. I'm tired. Bye.

2009-02-20T11:31:00.000-05:00

I am the killer dressed in Pilgrim's clothing.
I'm the hard to find stations on the AM band.
I am the white sky high over Tripoli.
I am the land mine hidden in the sand.

2009-02-19T17:18:00.000-05:00

Change of plans? Seriously considering taking a year off from school to live and work full-time in Philadelphia. I want to be there long enough to meet Temple's in-state tuition standards. Makes a lot of sense to me...school for half the price? Yes, please. Both parents are aboard. Still more thinking to be done, but we'll see.

2009-02-17T14:59:00.000-05:00

Officially hired at PNC. I have to take a drug test in fucking Edison, NJ before 2:30pm on Friday. There is also a training conflict with my school schedule, so they are sorting that out. Still $13.21 an hour, about 18 hours a week. Monday 8:45am-1pm, Thursday 1pm-6:15pm, Friday 8:45am-2pm, Saturday 8:45-Noon. There go my weekends once this job starts. Staples is going alright. Gonna hold onto that job until I completely settle the one with PNC. I've started cleaning my room, because Lindsay is moving in relatively soon, but it is so hard. I get so distracted and tired. Just might nap instead...what a waste. What a waste of a day. I could go drive to the drug testing place now, but I'm not up for that, either. I risk sitting in miserable rush hour traffic. Gonna go Wednesday afternoon, so if I do end up sitting in traffic at least I won't be late for a night class. I can't take a nap right now. Gotta eat some food to wake up. Gotta clean my room and do homework. Remind me to never take a night class again. I have no motivation to go, especially in the wintertime. All I want to do is curl up under my blankets and pass out.

2009-02-11T08:49:00.002-05:00

Six months.

2009-02-10T21:22:00.000-05:00

Driving home from school listening to Broom People and crying for everything. This Year comes on and I laugh and laugh.

2009-02-09T18:43:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about the concept of "self" lately, specifically my "self." The other night I wrote a bunch of stuff down and I guess I'll copy it into here. It felt really nice writing shit down for a long time.

Jersey Girl and Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen make me cry (every time) because they remind me of my mother, my father, going down the shore, and summer.
I am quick to dish out criticism, usually subtle, but have a hard time taking it. I consider this to be very normal.
I wish I did more things outdoors. I really love camping, hiking, and exploring--it just doesn't show that much. Once I'm out there, though, I have a lot of fun. I like to accomplish things.
Riding bikes around Philly at night, especially when it's warm, is one of the most liberating feelings for me. I am looking forward to being able to do this in a few months, especially with my brother.
Speaking of brothers, I have been heavily influenced by mine for as long as I can remember.
It's really hard for me to write anything if I'm not feeling sad or sentimental. I love writing in my Moleskine, but if you were to ever look through it you would just see a whole lot of angst. Sometimes I get really into poetry and think for hours about lines and words...but I always forget to write it down. So, everything gets lost. It's a bad habit.
I guess I am just a really negative person. I don't want to be, it just seems realistic. It is really hard for me to find the good in a lot of things.
That said, when I come across something beautiful and pure, I can't help but cry. I just want it to stay with me, stay uncorrupted. I think the main reason I cry is because purity is so unattainable. I don't want to be a phony.
I value education, especially my own. No matter how much I may complain--I love to learn. I love listening to lectures. The obtainment of a Master's degree is a definite. I plan to pursue my Doctorate one day. Academia is extremely daunting, but I'd like to have a place in it. RVCC has been a good transitional school, but I'm under challenged and ready to move on.
I care about people a lot. I am always concerned for the wellbeing of the people I know and the people I am not so close to anymore. Regardless of the current "status" someone has in my life, I care for themm and want them to be healthy and happy. Sometimes I feel weird for being this way, because I even think about people I haven't spoken to in years.
Similar to this, if I have ever been in love with a person, a part of me will always love them. Having an intimate relationship and connection with someone is bound to leave a mark. Although I may not be "in love" anymore, I will always care and remember. Again, I think this is relatively normal.
I wish I had a car with a manual transmission. I like driving stick and I wish I could really learn how on my own car.
I think I may be sick (or just unhealthy in general), but I refuse to go to the doctor. I hate asking for help and I avoid taking medicine as much as possible. I can fix myself if I need to.
Mindless retail jobs really don't bother me. I like the repetitive nature of it...scan and bag. However, the bag part ends up ruining my day. The amount of plastic bags still used today is so disheartening. Wake up, people. I always ask if the customer actually needs a bag and I cram everything into the smallest possible bag. I can't remember the last time I personally used one or got one at the store. I carry my purchases or shove them into my purse.
I am very interested in gender studies, both male and female. Sometimes I have conflicts with my own gender identity. I put on a guise of toughness all the time. It is actually somewhat masculine...the way I walk, stand, sit, even talk. I wear this mask to hide my vulnerability, weakness, and self-consciousness (which are all in abundance). It's uncomfortable to be like this, because I always want to appear feminine. I feel awkward in dresses, skirts, heels, earrings...I haven't shaved my armpits or legs in many, many months. I have trouble with some stuff.
Although I act tough, I open up really easily. I can become a blubbering mess very quickly--and frequently do. Very sensitive and sentimental.
My father is my hero. He is a mental, physical, and financial success. The thought of losing him one day puts me over the edge, and the same goes for my mother. She hints to me that I don't like her or respect her, which isn't true at all. It breaks my heart when she says those things.
I like to live spontaneously in the present but I obsessively plan for my future.

Looking back, all that seems like total bullshit. It looks like a 5 year old wrote it. The usage of the word "I" always bothers me. Fuck it. PNC called this morning to schedule a second interview. I couldn't pick up because I was working at Staples...and I forgot to call back today. Ah well. Tomorrow. The past two days have smelled like Spring. It makes me so happy and so sad. The sound of an airplane cutting through the air reminds me of summertime in Randolph when I was drinking iced tea in the backyard with my face pointed up at the sky. I was a lot smaller then. I didn't know much about anything then. I cared for a stray Border Collie that stayed for a couple days and never came back. I played alone in the bushes. I think I felt happy. I need it to be summer because I may or may not be losing my shit.

2009-02-02T16:40:00.001-05:00

Thanks for shopping at Staples. Please hire me, PNC.

2009-02-02T14:03:00.000-05:00

2009-02-02T12:10:00.000-05:00

Just got off the phone with Cassandra from PNC in Flemington. I basically had an interview over the phone. She said a guy would be calling me to set up my 2nd interview! If I get this job, I'd be working 16-19 hours a week making $13.21 an hour. Holy shit. I need to get this job. I'm determined. I'd be working a set schedule of Monday 8:45am-1:00pm, Thursday 8:45-1:00, Friday 8:45-2, and Saturday 8:45-12:15 plus a few here and theres. The only day I can't work is Thursday because of my school schedule, but the woman said they could be flexible. I'm so psyched on this. I really hope that it works out. For the 2nd interview I need to bring a copy of my resume, dress professionally, and have lots of customer service examples. Writing a paper right now for my English class tomorrow. I have a lit. class in about an hour and a half, followed by work at Staples from 5:30-9:30. The shirt they gave me is a small, but it is fucking gigantic. Might need help sewing that. Dreading Staples, but it will have to do for now. Hopefully I can say bye to them soon. Gonna keep writing and get ready for school.

2009-01-29T14:36:00.000-05:00

PNC Bank called me back for an interview for the Teller position. I'm playing phone tag with the woman who called, so hopefully she will get back to me and we can set something up. If I get the job, I am sure it will pay more than Staples. Also, it would look better on a resume in the future rather than more retail. We'll see what happens...I'd feel bad dissing Staples like that and totally bailing out--but you gotta do what you gotta do. Dog eat dog. I sent my dad a long e-mail detailing my academic transcript at RV and my future plans. I'm currently signed up for four summer classes, spread out over both sections of the summer. God damn. It is going to be time consuming and shitty, but I need to do it if I want to get out of there in the fall. Dog eat dog. I'm signed up for Contemporary Social Issues, Intro to Political Science, Intro to Psych, and American Government and Politics. Today I watched To Kill A Mockingbird by myself. My dad used to show it to my brothers and I when we were kids. It seems like everytime we were with him, we'd watch the movie. It wasn't until later that I read the book, or even understood the film. It remains one of my favorite books and, if not my favorite, film. Atticus Finch is a man to admire. Jean Louise. Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passing.

2009-01-26T12:49:00.001-05:00

I am now employed by Staples.

2009-01-26T10:15:00.000-05:00

I didn't do much this weekend, but it feels like it lasted awhile. Basically just hung around Flemington with Bryan. Ate a lot of french toast, was unsuccessful at finding winter shoes, hung our heads out of my bedroom window, napped, shoplifted, made necklaces, watched Californication and Dexter, and got a call back from Staples, of all places. I have a job interview today at noon. Class from 1:30-3:00. I need to brush my teeth and maybe brush my hair. Am on a reading kick, finally. Had a long dream about Tracey Luscia this morning and I've never missed her more. My mirror from the abandoned farmhouse is broken and tiny pieces of glass litter my floor. I cut my toe on a piece last night and little bits keep scraping on my feet when I walk. I have felt so fucking lonely lately. Really reflective and just plain sad. While hanging my head out the window to my backyard, I couldn't help but see all the people there. People I knew intimately, people I knew for only a short period of time, people I hardly knew at all that were there anyway. I miss hanging out, having fun, staying up late, having parties, spending time with people. Talking. I miss talking. If you ever want to hang out, I'll be available. If you ever want to talk, I'll talk. I miss having friends. I miss my friends. I miss you and you and you and you and you and you and you and I could go on and on, but I'll stop now. I want to go away this summer, but it's proven to be difficult. Why does it have to be hard? Why can't I just go?

2009-01-23T15:28:00.000-05:00

I love this boy.

2009-01-16T14:42:00.000-05:00

Wild hearts, blue jeans, and white t-shirts.

2009-01-14T14:26:00.000-05:00

new backpack!

new ears!

2009-01-14T12:30:00.001-05:00

I never reflected on 2008 and I've decided I'm not going to. All I can really think about is that I was just one big fucking asshole and one big disappointment to myself and, more importantly, other people. And that is basically it in a nutshell. I did, however, have a lot of fun. I'll never forget the memories I made in 2008. The times I had. I'll never forget any of it. I finish my winter class this Friday. Still jobless. I applied for another hospital position (as a transporter--pushing people around in wheelchairs) and I need to call Teaberry's and see if they are hiring. I have no real motivation to get anything done anymore. My bank account has been fluctuating, and I'm not worried. Bryan took my car to work today to change my oil and inflate my tires. So, today I get the Jeep. Currently cleaning up my C drive and I'll probably watch more TV shows after that. I've been watching Dexter and more recently Californication, which is superb. I'm really happy with Showtime shows. Does anyone have Weeds? My head is killing me and all I want to do is take a nap, but I promised Bryan I'd wait for him to come home from work. Spring classes start soon. It won't be warm for three or four more months. I miss summer so badly. I miss staying up late and driving around all night or riding my bike all night. I miss seeing people. I miss having friends. Losing touch with people is such a shitty feeling. Still stuck in Flemington. My plans for Temple/Philly are pushed to Spring 2010. I'll apply this summer for that semester. Everything is happening so slowly. The process of finishing school, the process of applying to a new school, the process of finding a job, the process of winter. It's all one big process that is taking too much time. I'm so impatient. Lately I have been feeling so physically far away from my thoughts, especially when I lay in bed at night. It makes me feel nauseous because I literally feel like I am flying above my thoughts, unable to put my feet on the ground. To wrap my mind around them. It's so hard to explain. It makes me feel panicky, to say the least. The other night I felt like this and started thinking about the prospect of life after death. I am godless. I don't believe in an afterlife. Death is nothingness. It is similar to a womb-like state. No recollection of anything. But that thought was paralyzing me completely. Stopping me in my tracks. I felt two different waves of sickness and almost had to go to the bathroom to vomit. In the morning I felt better and at peace. What the fuck? Who cares, though, really. I've said it once and I'll keep saying it--nothing fucking matters. I have a really good fortune on my keyboard... "Actions speak louder than talks." I like that. It is completely irrelevant to everything I just said before, but I like it. Okay, bye.

2009-01-09T16:34:00.000-05:00

even a smart girl can end up
with a bomb strapped to her chest

2009-01-07T16:38:00.001-05:00

Still unemployed. Still cold. Headaches. 3-7 hours of math problems every day for two weeks. Missing friends. Repeated letdowns, which I'm really the cause of. Stuck in Flemington. The only thing I feel proud of is having a GPA of 3.87 my first semester. Made the Dean's List. RV is so lonely sometimes. Maybe it won't feel so empty when it's warmer. Bryan's coming over tonight. We're going to make pancakes, lay in bed, and watch Dexter. My mom is watching something on Oprah about spirituality. For some reason I can't help but feel like it's some kind of cop-out. I've never considered myself spiritual. I don't know what I'm saying, really. I've been feeling even more cynical than usual lately. Still unemployed. Still cold. Headaches.

2008-12-29T12:54:00.001-05:00

bit by the cold of December, I'm warm beside your smile.

2008-12-14T22:42:00.000-05:00

Finished reading Camus' The Plague tonight and just finished the term paper for it. I have to prepare for my English final tonight. Tomorrow I need to write another paper (for my World Civ. final) and study for my math final. I want this week to be over. I want winter break so badly. I am 95% sure that I got a job at Hunterdon Medical Center as a Registrar in the Radiology Department. I'll be making a minimum of $12/hr. I went for an interview, met the staff, and the woman said I'd be getting a call soon. We'll see.

2008-12-10T15:49:00.000-05:00

2008-12-10T00:34:00.000-05:00

Rome was awesome and it is a little unfortunate to be home already, but it's really okay. I read a 220 pg. book on the plane ride home, just in time for my night class. Had to drive Bryan's car to class because my brakes have failed? Hopefully that will get fixed tomorrow. I just wrote a paper for English. I still have to write notecards out for a presentation. Tomorrow I have to finish reading another book, and write a paper for that, too. Hopefully I can make up my math test, too. What a bad week to go away. Very worth it, but shitty right before finals.
I need winter break so badly. I know I have a winter session course, but it is still a break. Spring semester classes are Intro to Psych, Intro to Sociology, Global Patterns of Racism, Number Systems, and English II. I was thinking about taking a science class, but I don't know if I'll feel like doing all that work when it's warm out (yikes.) I'm taking intro classes because I know they will transfer out when it's time to leave RV. Hopefully I'll be out and into Temple by Spring 2010 semester. It seems so far away :(
I have a job interview at Hunterdon Medical Center this Thursday at 11am for the Registrar position in the Radiology department. I sincerely hope I get that job because Rome put a big dent in my bank account. Thursday afternoon/evening I'm going to my dad's to help him decorate his Christmas tree. After that, I am heading to Philly and not returning to Flemington until Sunday. This weekend will consist of...Kingdom Buffet, banana splits, bruschetta, Bryan, Brian, staying warm, other friends, emailing teachers, studying for finals...hopefully my car will be fixed. It's almost 1am. I still have to finish homework and take a shower. Planes make me feel so dirty. Bryan is sleeping next to me right now. My left leg is under his body and it is so warm. I feel happy.
I'll upload a few pictures from Rome here within the next few days hopefully. The rest will go on Flickr. I meant to send out postcards, but the day I went to do it was a holiday. Everything closed early and the self-stamping machines weren't on. So, I have postcards with me. I know it's not that fun to just be handed a postcard...but it's the best I could do. They're all filled out and everything. I am just wasting time now. Bye bye.

2008-11-30T20:23:00.000-05:00

I used to think the factory on 95, heading toward Philadelphia, was beautiful. The way the lights and smoke looked at night mesmerized me. Now when I drive past, it only reeks of acetone. It stings my nostrils, forcing me to hold my breath. It's not beautiful anymore. It's ugly. I'm going to start writing in my tangible journal again. I've missed it.

2008-11-11T11:37:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Rome with Bryan from December 3rd to the 9th. we got flight vouchers from my step mom, so the airfare is totally free. It was just a scramble to find open flights. so, Rome. Why not? I'm excited.

2008-10-13T17:10:00.001-04:00

I keep getting real stressed about school, schoolwork, future schooling. Bucks officially closed, so I'm unemployed, too. Met with an advising counselor at RV to talk about Temple shit. It didn't help. I just have to call, book a tour date, and talk to some people, I guess. Feeling kinda shitty. I might be stuck in Flemington for another year, afterall. My dad lost an obscene amount of money in stocks and my college fund took a hit. I'm determined to go, though. I can take loans out for my undergrad studies. Some schools pay teachers to go back and get their Masters...that is an option. That has to be an option. Things with Bryan are going really well. 2 month was two days ago. Time is flying. I love Philly. Marlie's moving there this Wednesday. 11th and Spring Garden. I can't go in to see her place til Thursday or Friday, though. I'm so beat. I am having trouble falling asleep at night because I keep thinking about all the fucking reading homework I have to do. I can't get on top of shit. I'm really stressing over math. Remedial math and I am struggling so badly. If I fail any of the mods, I am totally screwed. This is such a bullshit entry. I haven't updated this thing in such a long time. I don't write in my moleskine anymore. I want to, but I feel weird writing happy shit in it for a change. I don't know what I'm saying. Time to go to class. Heroes tonight. I need to find a job. I'll write something happier later.

2008-09-15T21:05:00.000-04:00

life is good.

2008-08-27T19:49:00.000-04:00

summer is almost over. everyone's leaving and it is making me feel really lonely and jealous. lindsay and i went to the RVCC orientation last night and it was pretty much bullshit. i'm not excited for school to start, but i'm trying to be. i'm trying to be excited about this next year, because after that i'm going to philly. i'm trying. i've got a new boy and he is spectacular and i feel happy. i'm feeling really weird tonight. i think i'm going to go to bed. i have work tomorrow at 1, but i need to wake up early to go dress shopping for my stepbrother's wedding on september 13th. i ordered a bike the other night, but it won't ship until september 15th. i feel so weird. melancholy. please talk to me.

2008-08-02T10:02:00.001-04:00

They warn you about killers and thieves in the night
I worry about cancer and living right
But my momma never warned me about my own destructive appetite

2008-07-31T23:06:00.001-04:00

summer's been good. lately I've been spending a lot of time in Philly. I can't go to RV for two years. there is no fucking way I'm staying here. I haven't noticed until now. Flemington is pretty beat. I am pretty beat. time for sleep. I'm truly happy for the first time in awhile.

2008-06-19T07:36:00.000-04:00

I'm graduating from high school today.

2008-05-27T00:11:00.001-04:00

MyUzi: fuck school and work
MyUzi: lets goto six flags
MyUzi: or race car school
MyUzi: or fishing
MyUzi: or sleep all day

that's the right idea. I think there are seventeen days left of school. oh my god.

2008-05-16T17:23:00.000-04:00

I don't think I'm a bad person. I can be patient. I sat at Hess for twenty minutes waiting to get gas. A lady even backed into me, but after inspecting the lack of damage I said it was cool and got back in my car. I think I can be nice. I don't think I'm a bad person. This is the first time I'm actually crossing things off my to-do list. It grows everyday, but I'm getting there. I'm taking initiative and trying to be more responsible. I'm really trying. Tonight is Jenni's party and I'm trying to battle this oncoming headache so I can smile a lot tonight and have fun with my friends. I can be patient.

2008-05-10T07:57:00.001-04:00

I'm at work right now drinking water to help my newly discovered asthma, apparently. I've had a pretty bad cough for about a month and I finally went to the doctor for it--only to find out I have to use an inhaler. oh well. there are about 25 days left of school. good. I have terrible senioritis, even though my schedule is: Gym, Project Adventure, Study Hall, Modern Drama. I can't do any work anymore. things are changing in a few aspects of my life and I'm growing up more everyday, I think. my favorite Bucks regular is here. what a good guy. honestly. I hope this summer is a good one. I hope I stop coughing soon. I'm just wasting time now. I'll start updating this more.

2008-03-29T07:25:00.001-04:00

well, I feel like shit.

2008-03-11T21:43:00.001-04:00

I don't even know what is going on anymore! but you know, it's okay.

today

2008-03-04T23:02:00.001-05:00

slept in, class pictures, voter registration, short classes, veganism, driving, the royal tenenbaums.
I need this warmth to continue and grow.

Waking Life

2008-02-26T18:02:00.000-05:00

2008-02-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

I went into Philly this Saturday with Corey and spent the night at the 707 house. It was nice just hanging out and seeing Brian. My first time experiencing Kingdom and Mugshots, too, which were both amazing. I want to spend a lot of time there, because I might end up in Philadelphia in a couple years. I can't stop listening to Joanna Newsom.

2008-02-22T00:34:00.000-05:00

I'm still awake and anticipating a snow day tomorrow. This week went by really fast. Lindsay's been writing poetry, and so have I. It feels really nice. Usually I end up getting in bed to go to sleep, but I can't stop thinking about words and events and I have to get out of bed to jot them down. I'm not really going to share them like Lindsay is doing because I don't feel comfortable doing that. Maybe if I write something I'm really proud of. My god. I am so tired all the time. Goodnight. P.S. Where can I develop the film sitting in my Holga? I haven't really looked into anywhere around here yet, but if you know of a place...great!

2008-02-18T21:43:00.000-05:00

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate and the disposable bottle, and this was good because man could then take his automobile and buy his food all in one place and he could save that which was good to eat in the refrigerator and throw away that which had no further use. And pretty soon the earth was covered with plastic bags and aluminum cans and paper plates and disposable bottles, and there was nowhere left to sit down or to walk. And Man shook his head and cried, ‘Look at all this God-awful litter.’
-Art Buchwald, 1970.

2008-02-06T23:44:00.000-05:00

I like this. slam poetry is spectacular.

and this. this song.

2008-02-05T23:42:00.000-05:00

today is Super Tuesday. I have blisters on my hands from drumming in Rock Band. I can't think of anything interesting to say, really, other than that I'm disappointed in my Lit class. I'm probably too pretentious, but everything we are learning is redundant for me and I feel like I am at such a higher reading level than most of the kids in my class. my teacher isn't very interesting (or nice), but it's too late to drop the class for something else. there are so many classes at Central that I'll never have the chance to take. today they passed out the Program of Study for next year, but I didn't get one. there is no next year! I applied to RV the other day, to get it out of the way. now I have to wait to get the packet in the mail, take my placement tests, meet with a counselor, and pick my classes for the fall semester. I'm excited for that. I am. I like high school, but I'm really sick of all the people in it. I like learning, but I need to mature academically. this afternoon I took a nap, and I had a dream where I was hiding from Brad Pitt, because he was sent to kill me. I was at the Johnson Road house, and it was very comforting. I also realized that I always dream in color. okay, time for bed.

2008-01-14T05:31:00.000-05:00

still awake at 2:30am. I just finished a research paper. my room smells like dirt. this may be the messiest it has ever been. maybe I'll get around to it this week. time for a shower. today (the 14th) is my one year with Corey. what a long time! and I'm still madly in love.

2008-01-06T23:00:00.000-05:00

you want to track each trickle back to its source and then scream up the faucet until your face is hoarse because you're surrounded by a world's worth of things you just can't excuse.

i need to focus on making a difference locally or something. i want to mend relationships and feel good here and now and stop thinking about everything else. it's gotten to the point where i feel physical pain because of it. all i can think about are corporations and people dying and people buying more and more shit and me driving my car and not even understanding any of it and just being another cog in the machine and i think about maquiladoras and the women working in them and i just want to hold them and tell them it's going to be alright and that they don't have to be taken advantage of anymore but there is no way. there is no solution for anything. in ap human geography we talk about the gender distribution crisis in china and there is no solution. why can't things ever just be in black or white? it's been so hard over the past year or longer. it's so hard to find joy in shit when you realize everything else going on. i want to keep learning and fill my brain even more but it really just hurts so badly. my dad said i need to drop out. not out of school, but out of society. i don't know how to make myself feel better. i can't see the brighter side. i feel completely helpless. knowing that i can't escape this fucking place and these places and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and here i am, posting an entry on a blog. wasting energy. i can't help but support the things i want nothing to do with. is there a way to boycott planet earth? please, tell me if there is a way to feel better.

2007-12-13T14:06:00.001-05:00

I didn't go to school, because it was bad outside and I'd rather sleep, too. I haven't shaved my legs or armpits in a very, very long time, but I have to for the wedding. Let down. I'd like to spend today at the library, but the thought of going up Rt. 12 right now makes me queasy. I'm getting a haircut today, but but but. I have big fake nails and I can't wait for Saturday night when I can rip them off one by one. This is a stupid entry. See The Corporation. Stop having weird dreams, Mollie.

2007-12-11T23:07:00.000-05:00

I got a 99% on my Classical World research paper. In AP Human Geography, my teacher said my research paper was outstanding and the best student paper he's read so far at Central (which has only been two years, but ya know). He even announced it to the class and said he probably couldn't write a paper like that. Okay.

2007-12-04T20:58:00.001-05:00

Laure fired Dennis today on the spot. Corey came over and we drank Raspberry Sangria loose leaf tea. We had nice teacups and nice biscuits and danced to nice Christmas music. Tomorrow I'm going to the Met all day for Classical World. It's only nine, but I am going to sleep now. I wish I could stop being so sleepy and unmotivated all the time. Today this kid in my geography class said he wants to learn Arabic in order to "manipulate the enemy." Great, man.

2007-11-28T22:37:00.001-05:00

I'm tired. Lindsay's sleeping over. She slept over last night, too. I really like the warmth. Tomorrow I'm seeing the Mountain Goats at NYU. I have a bad cold, and it makes me very unpleasant. So, I'm sorry. Okay, goodnight then.

2007-11-26T18:03:00.000-05:00

I'm on a reading kick (finally). Today I finished Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. It was an amazing novel and I highly recommend it. After I finished it, I actually had to leave my class because I started to cry. So great. Ahh.
I didn't go to work today (Marcos went in for me), so I just relaxed instead. Lindsay came over and it was really nice. We drank tea and laid in bed and giggled and it felt like she still lived here. I miss that a lot. Then Jenni and Dennis came over, followed by Cayce. I don't think I really left my bed once until we went out to eat. Now I'm home and I'm trying to forget about this paper I have to write that's due in a week. I'm trying not to think about how chapped my lips are and how bad my throat hurts, too. I wish I were going to the Y tonight. I have a sip left of Earl Grey (I've acquired a taste for it---before it was too smoky), then I guess I'll make some more tea and curl up in bed. Also, a shower. That's second on the list.

2007-11-24T14:32:00.000-05:00

opened Bucks for the first time today and worked til 2. today has gone by really slowly. I'm starting to acquire a taste for coffee. going to my cousin's sweet sixteen this afternoon in Randolph, then back to Flemington for a show at Bucks. I can't get away from that place, honestly. hardly slept last night because I got home so late and shared a bed with two other people. wish I could just sleep in all day tomorrow. okay, bye.

2007-11-22T21:42:00.000-05:00

2007-11-20T22:12:00.001-05:00

done with my research paper for Classical World. that's a relief. Thanksgiving break starts tomorrow. I need it. getting a haircut soon, maybe Friday. I need that, too. Media Lit gets me down on some things, but man. it's so interesting. I am so little in the scheme of things, but it makes me feel empowered in a way. okay, mostly helpless.

2007-11-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

this is new(er). I deleted all my older entries on this, because I don't want to think about those things anymore. so, here I am. jumping right on the bandwagon. I figured I'd start with something I found really interesting:

The right to the city, by David Harvey

The right to the city is not merely the right of access to what already exists, but a right to change it. We need to be sure we can live with our own creations. But the right to remake ourselves by creating a qualitatively different kind of urban sociality is one of the most precious of all human rights. We have been made and re-made without knowing exactly why, how, and to what end. How then, can we better exercise this right to the city? But whose rights and whose city? Could we not construct a socially just city? But what is social justice? Is justice simply whatever the ruling class wants it to be? We live in a society in which the inalienable rights to private property and the profit rate trump any other conception of inalienable rights. Our society is dominated by the accumulation of capital through market exchange. To live under capitalism is to accept or submit to that bundle of rights necessary for endless capital accumulation. Free markets are not necessarily fair. Worse still, markets require scarcity to function. The inalienable rights of private property and the profit rate lead to worlds of inequality, alienation and injustice. The endless accumulation of capital and the conception of rights embedded therein must be opposed and a different right to the city must be asserted politically. Derivative rights (like the right to be treated with dignity) should become fundamental and fundamental rights (of private property and the profit rate) should become derivative. But new rights can also be defined: like the right to the city which is not merely a right of access to what the property speculators and state planners define, but an active right to make the city different, to shape it more in accord with our heart's desire, and to re-make ourselves thereby in a different image.